Those Words shared by A Father Which Saved Us during my time as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

However the reality quickly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple statement "You are not in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now better used to talking about the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads face.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are part of a broader inability to open up between men, who often absorb harmful notions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It's not a display of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, says men frequently refuse to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - particularly in front of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to take a pause - spending a short trip overseas, outside of the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he says. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, socialising or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they faced their pain, changed how they communicate, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, at times I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."